Peter: Some people say we're just a computer simulation run by a higher species. Is that true?
God: It is.

• Permalink: Some people say we're just a computer simulation
• Added: May 21, 2018

Peter: You were right about everything.
God: Say that again.
Peter: You were right about everything.
God: That's all I needed to hear. That's what religion is. It's not about being good or bad. It's just blind subservience to an imaginary being.

• Permalink: That's all I needed to hear. That's what religion is. It's not about being good or bad. It's...
• Added: May 20, 2018

God: Actually, Peter, from what I've seen, I think your family would be better off without you.
Peter: What? What do you mean?
God: Well, you're an inattentive husband and a terrible parent.
Peter: Oh, says father of the year.
God: Oh, please. He played that for all it was worth. "Why has God forsaken me?" You know what? I did him a favor.
Peter: Okay, there's a lot to unpack there.

• Permalink: Okay, there's a lot to unpack there.
• Added: May 20, 2018

Every adult has to take an Ambien every night to even have a prayer at sleep.

Lois

• Permalink: Every adult has to take an Ambien every night to even have a prayer at sleep.
• Added: May 20, 2018

Peter: God?
God: Yes, but no Trump questions.
Peter. Okay, but I have nothing else to ask you.

• Permalink: Yes, but no Trump questions. Peter. Okay, but I have nothing else to ask you.
• Added: May 20, 2018

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep on the couch, on the couch.

Peter

• Permalink: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep on the couch, on the couch.
• Added: May 20, 2018

Dad, I don't know how to thank you. You've given me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.

Quagmire

• Permalink: Dad, I don't know how to thank you. You've given me the greatest gift I could have ever asked...
• Added: May 13, 2018

C'mon, Quagmire, it's not impossible. You want impossible? Try eating local pizza with a guy from New York.

Peter

• Permalink: C'mon, Quagmire, it's not impossible. You want impossible? Try eating local pizza with a guy...
• Added: May 13, 2018

You don't know what that penis meant to me. We did everything together. Everything.

Quagmire

• Permalink: You don't know what that penis meant to me. We did everything together. Everything.
• Added: May 13, 2018

Peter: Doc. Give it to us straight. What's going on with our friend?
Dr. Hartman: Well, Mr. Griffin, there's no easy way to put this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. He's black.
Peter: Not that friend. Quagmire.
Dr. Hartman: Oh. Him.

• Permalink: Oh. Him.
• Added: May 13, 2018

Remember, Peter, never walk anywhere when you can ride something weird instead.

Hammer

• Permalink: Remember, Peter, never walk anywhere when you can ride something weird instead.
• Added: May 06, 2018

Peter: What happened? All of a sudden I feel I know better than everyone else.
Hammer: That's because anytime anyone walks through a cloud of vape smoke, a millennial is born.

• Permalink: That's because anytime anyone walks through a cloud of vape smoke, a millennial is born.
• Added: May 06, 2018