Archer
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on FXSterling Archer Quotes
Archer: Are you shitting me?!?
Pam: Awwww, I wouldn't shit you, you're my favourite turd!
Hey, can I order some pie? Or have you single-handedly depleted the Global Strategic Pie Reserves?
Archer: Will you quit jamming my ass with that thing?
Ray: He said, coyly.
Archer: Did you say "a" change, or just change, as in spare change?
Figgis: Huh, what change? They'll be passing you around for half a pack of smokes.
Archer: Pfft, I'm worth at least two packs.
Charlotte: Pfft!
Archer: You know...
Cheryl: I want a drink!
Archer: Join this great new club!
Archer: For starters, even if you pull this off, what are you going to do for money.
Cheryl: Well I...I shall work, of course!
Archer: (scoffs) As what?
Cheryl: Um...One of those! A food perambulator.
Cheryl: Oh my God, you have a crush on her!
Archer: What?! No I don't, I...
Cheryl: Yes you do! That was the cutest thing! And I think SHE has a crush on YOU.
Archer: No, she...wait, really?
Cheryl: Absolutely!
Archer: Why - why - why do you think that? Did she --
Cheryl: Just admit that you like her!
Archer: Well, yeah, of course I --
Cheryl: (yells to room) Hey! Yeah! Me and him, we just f*****d!!
Archer: Putting aside why you'd want to fake your own death --
Cheryl: BECAUSE I have to get away from my family. They're a seething cauldron of neurotic, alcoholic, narcissistic, quasi-incestuous megalomaniacs!
Archer: (pause) How quasi?
Cheryl: I don't know, a 4?
Archer: Out of what?
Archer: (grunts in pain)
Cheryl: (flashback as a nun) Shhhh-shhhh. Calmez vous. Vous mettez plus en danger.
Pam: Everything is my business.
Archer: Oh, including white slavery?
Pam: What?
Archer: Those girls are tied up, asshole.
Pam: No they're not, they're just...aww dog dicks.
Archer: Yeah, so...
Pam: Uhhh, wouldn't it be "yellow slavery?"
Archer: (gasps in disbelief) Uh, I don't know, racist!
Pam: White slavery is just as racist!
Archer: WHAT??
Pam: Nooo, you know, if you differentiate between cotton-picking slavery-
Archer: Jesus Christ!
Pam: -and then white slavery then that's-
Archer: SEXUAL slavery, then.
Pam: Okayyyy!
Archer: Goddammit.
Pam: My point is I think we're both anti-slavery.
I'm not paying 26 bucks for a bottle of frustration!
Barry: Just so I understand you, your theory is that the truck backfired, whereas your theory is fireworks.
Enforcer: They are Chinese.
Barry: What, in Christ Foo Yong, could they be celebrating?
