Joe: It feels good to know that thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.
Peter: Is that a thing?
Quagmire: It's a great thing.

• Permalink: It feels good to know that thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot...
• Added: May 21, 2012

Joe: Well, you can't fight City Hall.
Peter: Well, we'll see about that. ... City Hall knows karate.

• Permalink: Well, you can't fight City Hall. Well, we'll see about that. ....
• Added: May 14, 2012

Peter: "Well at least we have a jury of our peers."
Joe: "I don't think THEY see it that way, Peter."

• Permalink: Well at least we have a jury of our peers. I don't think THEY ...
• Added: December 04, 2011

Joe: "I know, an exciting day for me is when I watch wheelchair porn. Boy do sparks fly on those."
Quagmire: "Oh is it hot?"
Joe: "Eh, it's mostly chairs smashing into each other."

• Permalink: Ubama, Webama, Mebama; it's a black guy in a suit, let's just ma...
• Added: December 04, 2011

Joe: Oh my god, he must have hung himself during auto-erotic asphyxiation!
Peter: While watching clown porn!

• Permalink: Oh my god, he must have hung himself during auto-erotic asphyxia...
• Added: October 30, 2011

Meg: We haven't made love in two weeks!
Joe: We haven't made love ever!

• Permalink: We haven't made love in two weeks! We haven't made love ever!
• Added: March 07, 2011

Meg: Sometimes, it's really hard being me. So I guess I just make "meganaid."
Joe: That sounds disgusting.

• Permalink: Sometimes, it's really hard being me. So I guess I just make meg...
• Added: March 07, 2011

Joe: Hey can you tell me what that Lady Gaga is? Is that a band... or a soda, or a store, or one of those terms like "donkey punch?"
Meg: No.
Joe: Is it a douche? Is Lady Gaga a douche? Well, whatever it is, I don't like it.

• Permalink: Hey can you tell me what that Lady Gaga is? Is that a band... or...
• Added: March 07, 2011

Peter: Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin?
Joe: He died in Iraq.
Peter: [unemotionally] Sad.

• Permalink: Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin? He died in Iraq. ...
• Added: December 08, 2010

I didn't feel anything, but you did!

• Permalink: I didn't feel anything, but you did!
• Added: November 08, 2010

Joe: Just for that, when the movie comes out, I'm gonna get Adrien Brody to play you.
Peter: I guess that means you don't want anyone to see it.

• Permalink: Just for that, when the movie comes out, I'm gonna get Adrien Br...
• Added: September 27, 2010

Chris: Hey fellas. Um, I have a question. I went on a date with this girl that I really like, and if you don't mind, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the birds and the bees?
Peter: Ahhh, my boy wants to know about sex.
Quagmire: Came to the right place.
Joe: Chris, what you always want to remember is that sex is perfectly natural.
Chris: Well uh, sorry Mr. Swanson. Um, I wasn't really talking to you.
Joe: Chris, I know a lot about sex.
Chris: Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories, but I was kinda hoping to get some advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down.
Joe: I'm a father!
Chris: You're a two-wheeled monster!

• Permalink: Hey fellas. Um, I have a question. I went on a date with this gi...
• Added: February 22, 2010