Bree: It's six o'clock. How long have you been kneeling there?
Keith: I don't know, but after you answer this, I'm gonna need you to help me up.

Keith's mother: I promise to be on my best behavior.
Bree: I know you will. Because, as Keith told you, I have guns.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the kitchen to ask if I can stand in their walk-in freezer.

Do you wanna talk about my perfect lawn? Nine years ago, my son found me face down drunk on it. It's true! He had to turn the sprinklers on to wake me up. Did you not know you're dating the biggest lush in Fairview?

Bree: I'll come if I can bring Keith.
Renee: I guess one child would be okay.

I better figure out a way to slow him down before this John Wayne walk becomes permanent.

Let's see. I'm getting a divorce, I lost my business, and I'm sitting here trying to remember why I quit drinking. I've had better Mondays.

You can never go wrong with a genuine compliment.

Bree: So we're back to being friends?
Susan: We never really stopped.

Bree: (to Gloria) Are those shoes suede?
Gloria: Yes, why?
Bree: (sprays Gloria's shoes with the garden hose) No reason.

Gloria: Hey Bree, may I come in?
Bree: What's a garden without a snake?

(to Orson) I am not sleeping in a bed that had your dead mistress' teeth in it!

Desperate Housewives Quotes

Let's find something fun-size for me to enjoy.

Renee

Preston: We don't want to get spanked.
Porter: Yeah, we promise we'll be good.
Lynette: Too late, you stole and then you lied. Even worse, you made me look bad in front of Mrs. McCluskey, who you know is mommy's sworn enemy. Time to pick your poison. How 'bout a belt? It's a classic... Well, we could go with the old hickory stick. It's a cliche, but it's pretty effective. I know, we'll go with the spatula. The holes give it less wind resistance; moves faster.
Scavo kids: No! No! No! No!
Lynette: Guys, guys, guys, hey my hands are tied. Thieves get spanked. Just the way it works. Unless...
Porter: Unless what?
Lynette: For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs. McCluskey a letter of apology, I will let it slide.
Scavo kids: Okay! Yeh! We swear! Yeh! We swear!
Lynette: Alright, start with Dear Mrs. McCluskey.
Porter: Mommy, why are you smiling?
Lynette: Do you know what physiological warfare means?
Porter: No.
Lynette: Well, too bad for you